Rainy Day

The end of the summer is drawing near and the kids have become bored out of thier mind!!!! 

They are getting nervously excited about starting school.  With the lack of funds we have here at the house they asked if they could go outside and play.  They noticed rain clouds coming our way.  I dont like the way the thunder sounds.  They know if they see lightning that it is an IMMEDIATE "come in the house".   So while they sit outside on the swing set singing...Rain Rain Rain.  Come out and play. We want to get wet.  We are bored today.  I have no idea who came up with that song.  I know it gets stuck in my head though.  I start to hear a little drop here and there.  Then all of a sudden...here it comes.  RAIN!!!

It isn't a mass pour down.  It is just enough to get them wet for about 15 mins or so.  Enough to make the ground humid and a little breeze to cool them off.  Esp with it being 91 degrees today.  It dampended the trampoline and made it slippery.  You know....all the dangerous things that keep you worried. 

It didnt last long.  They are still outside.  Singing the song.  Jumpinig on the wet trampoline.  The sun is out. Not much of a breeze anymore.  That's ok.  It is a memory they are making together as sisters.  A 6 and a 7 year old.

Surprise gifts

How is it that something so little can mean so much.  My brother is in the army and he is stationed in Japan.  We talk to each other almost everyday.  There is a 18 year difference between he and I.  We dont really talk about our problems to much, we mainly talk about things that will get our mind off of our problems.  Makes it nice to forget about them sometimes. 

One particular morning we did share some stories of things that irriate us.  I told him that I never get invited to a party or baby shower as a guest anymore.  I am now always subtly asked for me to bring my camera.  In turn it ends up that I give a gift and I take the pictures of the party and hand them over the photos. I never get to be involved in any games and THANK GOD I an never in any of the pictures.  That is besides the point.  I also never get to just go visit at someones house because they send me a text asking if I can bring my scissors so I can cut thier hair.  (ex salon worker here)  I dont mind doing this for the most part, money would be a nice donation sometimes. 

My brother, since the age of 12, has been working on computers and is very knowledged in this field.  Mostly self taught.  Guess how his conversations go.  Most of the time it is "how are you doing, can you fix my computer?"  It is somewhat annoying. 

Well I let my brother in on my situation at home.  Telling how it seems like a never ending fight to keep up with life.  I was just venting.  I called the garbage company to have them start service for me for the following day.   When I gave her my address, she then told me that I had service already starting for the next day.  I asked her who it was that came in.  She just gave me a name.   Well this morning while talking to my brother we had the conversation about this ordeal.  I was telling him how I hate that people try and fix my problem and I wish I knew who did it.  Telling him I thought it was probably my mom and I was goin to tell her to stop spending money she didnt have;  he told me not to confront her.   He didnt want me to be mad at her for helping because it wasnt her that did it, it was him. 

I love my brother.  I told him this morning that I dont tell him my problems because he tries and fixes it.  I told him thank you and I said that we are not his family to fix.  I love surprise gifts, just wish I didnt have to have them.

The Real Housewives of Life

When I had cable, Dish or Direct tv I loved watching all the reality shows.  I really don't know why.  I don't think it is much "real"ity to it.  I still watched it though, I was fully entertained I must say.  I mean really...someone needs to name these shows according to what they really are. 

VH1 - It isn't Basketball Wives, it should be Basketball Ex-wives.  Most of the women are divorced from the players.  Or it can be called Wanna-Be Sports Wives. For all the women that are just girlfriends for their entire lives. Yes there are some of the couples that are married and have really worked at the relationship.  I think keeping the shows name takes away from these people's hard work.  I think that the show Mob Wives is more realistic.  You know why some of those women are were they are and why.  I wouldn't think they would be so open to discuss that they were in this lifestyle though.

The Real Housewives of what?  These women are not real housewives.  I live in reality.  It is called bills, job, and worries.  I don't have a nanny taking care of my children when they need to be fed.  I get up and cook it myself.  My house isn't even a forth of the size of their bathroom. We go shopping at Wal-mart and hope we can get our clothes and groceries all at the same place while getting our oil changed.  Want to go out for a girls night out?  Find a babysitter that you trust and you dont have to break the bank. We don't have tutors that we pay for.  We have to hope that our 2nd graders don't pass up our own educational status just so we can help them do the homework given.  I have worked with my two girls since before they started school to help them with their education and self esteem.  My positive influence for them is to have a self confidence in theirselves to be self motivated and no that there isnt anyone that should ever make them feel like they are nothing other then the best "they" can be.  I don't want them thinking that they can only find happiness in material things.  My girls feel accomplished with the grades they have and relationships they have started with family and friends.  We struggle with everyday lives that money can't fix.  The Real Housewives live in a very fantasy world and it makes me wonder if they could even survive a moment in "real" world. They get to stay at home with their kids...it get to also but believe me, I sure don't get to go shopping and drinking wine all the time. I am not saying they don't have problems.   I just don't think it is a "real" housewives-kinda-life.  Let's rename them The "Not-So-Real Housewives"  or The Rich Wives.  I think that suits things better.

If I won the lottery...would I turn out like these women?  If anyone wants to do a lifelong experiment on my family to find out,  I would gladly give them a weekly report.

  

Too far down.

I feel like I have fell to far down in my life.

My story will not start at the beginning because there is too much to try and remember.  I will just start it from where I feel like it has come too far down. 

How far is too far?  How far is it that I can take this elastic rubber band that I call my life?  Just when I think I have fallen off of my ladder and I have already reached the end of my rope; there it is.   There is someone with a lighter burning my other side of my bridge.  

In my current living situation there is my husband, 2 daughters and my self.  My husband has gone back on the road as a truck driver so that we might be able to have finances better for our family.  The last four months have seemed like years.  Stress is not a word that some people see when they look at me.  I think 95% of the people that know me personally do not know my current living situation. 

At this time I am on cut off for my electricity. I have 7 days.  For the last four months I have not had gas coming into my home. This is in part of having a gas leak that I can not afford to get repaired.  This is a major problem because gas is what an essential part of my life.  It is for my hot water, cooking, washing and drying clothes.  Even if I had gas, my hot water heater is not working now.  My stove is no longer in service and 5 months ago my washing machine also broke.  This is overwhelming enough on its own.

Along with everything else that is goin on.  I no long have trash pick up.  It isn't much but I dont have the funds to pay for the 3 months that they make you pay for at the beginning.  My vacuum broke about 7 months ago and it doesnt seem like that is a big deal.  It is not a big deal when you have some of your other things you need but it seems to feel like a closing wall on me.

A month ago, at the end of the street they decided to clear out most of the field.   this caused most of the rodent and snake population to move into our homes.  I can not get that under control. 

It has become so difficult for me to remain positive through so many of these things and I am in such a inside battle.  I don't want to keep up a smile anymore.  I want to just lay down and cry.  I feel like my times get harder.  My light at the end of the tunnel was a lightbulb someone forgot to change. 

I feel too far down.

Belief in a higher power

Tomorrow if I have a chance I will be taking a view point of "a higher power".   I want to write about the beliefs in something that is there that you cant see, or touch.  It is something....call it faith, call it what ever you want...I am goin to call it a relationship with GOD.  to be continued...

Picture day !!

Today I will keep things simple. I sometimes get overwhelmed in what my day or week brings me. With that said, I will post up some pictures. I take pictures as a part of my healing process, it is like my coffee in the morning or my cigarette after a meal. Some people do drugs, I do pictures. It is what I love. Most of the pictures are editoral. This way it can be interpreted in any way the viewer wants to see it. Some are pretty clear and concise. Please enjoy.

How to move on after feeling betrayed.

I come from a large extended family. We have our ups and our downs. We have our stabs in the back and our conversations about each other...amongst each other. We all each known for our own individual personalities. We have the untactful one, the control freak, the hen, the baby, self-centered, the mood swinger, the "my-problem-is-worst-then-yours". Some of use hold two titles. We all talk about each other behind our backs and we all have our own expression of what we dont like about each other. At the end...we still all love each other and have one another's back. I know it sounds crazy, but we are all still family. I think every family does it. I am just putting mine out there.

Me, I am the untactful one. I am the one that will tell you straight to your face what I think. Not to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings. I think I was just not born with that filter; the one that pops up in your head to tell you to stop, think about what you are about to say and tone it down. With all that said, I tell you what is on my mind...I dont do it behind your back. You pretty much always know what is on my mind. I have gotten better. My aunt, she is the baby and she is the center of attention.

I had an aunt that was born with a disability; a majority of everyone in the family has taken a section in thier life to take care of her. I think I was the one with the longest streak. I was also one of the last ones to do it. After my grandmother went in the nursing home, I finished off the payments of her home and continued to live in it. She had let everyone know that it was her wish for me to be the person to remain in the home. I am not the cleanest person. I have a very small 3 bedroom house that at times six people live in it. My husband, our two little ones, his two teenagers and myself. There is not a place for everything. Things dont get fixed like they need to. I dont keep up with it like it needs to be. It isnt easy for me to do everything I need to do and be able to keep everything in order by myself. I am the one that stays home and does 95% of the things that need to be done. My husband works. Well....my husband and I were having problems in our relationship. He proceeded to let me know that he and my aunt....aka the baby; had a conversation on how she is upset with how I destroyed her mother's house. I felt so betrayed.

FIRST, I thought that your husband was suppose to have your back. I thought it was suppose to be that against the world, your husband had your hand to help you get through it. My aunt, we have closeness like best friends and sisters. To know that she is talking mess behind my back. Like throwing me under the bus. She didnt come to me about it. She would make comments to me about how I dont keep my house uncluttered. As time went on I found out that she was talking both sides of me and my husband. Telling him what he wanted to hear and making comments to me about how she didnt like the way he treated me. OK! So are you just trying to play both sides? At this point it has been 11 days since I have talked to her. It may not seem like alot, on a normal basis we talk at least twice a day. She basically put me out there. Made me feel like I have to get everyone's approval for the way I live my life. She made me feel like even though she doesnt like the way this person does this or this person does that, I am the one she feels like she has to talk trash about to my own husband. I dont put her on blast. I dont go to the people she talks about in the family and call her out like that. She has plenty to say about everything. I hear about all of it. I dont go running and telling everyone what she says.

I am not one to hold a grudge. I am not one to dwell on the past. I am pretty good at getting it off my chest and moving forward. I just cant seem to shake this lose. The problem is I dont even think she knows who told me. She has talked so much trash about me behind my back I think she forgot who she told what to. Now I am the only person in the family that talked to her on a regular basis. I dont even know how to move on from here. What am I suppose to do....text her a picture everyday and ask her if my house is clean enough for her. Just because the house belonged to my grandmother am I suppose to get everyone's A'Ok. Yeah she told my husband I was destroying her mother's house. Where did she say to him that he isnt doing his part to fix things that get broken. I guess that is my job too?

Needless to say I dont feel betrayed by one single person. I feel betrayed by the two closest people in my life. How do you move on from this? How do you find that comfort in your heart? I am a work in progress just like most people. I know what alot of my faults are. I wasnt approached in a positive manner. I was approached in a manner of "you do this wrong so therefor I am done". No one is perfect, yet I have two people with just as many imperfections telling me what I have to change and neither one of them owning up to what they need to change in thier own lives. So I am suppose to be perfect? I am the only that needs to change? Were is that fair?

In a picture frame.

I became a mom in the year of 2005. I knew we would not have the money to take all the pictures that I would want to have of my first born.

The day before I went in to have my baby....I went a purchased a small camera. It was so funny. I was standing at the display case at Walmart, hand on the wall looking at the variety of different style cameras. This lady approached me and

said "honey are you ok? Do I need to call the paramedics?" I didn't notice that the way I was standing looked like I was in pain or in labor. I quickly stood up and said "oh no ma'am I was just looking down at the cameras." I went in the following day to have my baby and used my camera right away. A year and 3 months later I had my second child. Needless to say my point and shoot camera came in very handy.

After having both of my kids I continued to stay at home while my husband took on complete finacial responsibiity. We had times were we struggled with bill and I decided to take on anohter child in form of babysitting. A friend of mine had a baby and asked if I could watch her full time. I agreed knowing that this would help out with extra things we needed or wanted at home.

As time went on, I started taking pictures of my friend's baby along with my 2 children. As she posted, emailed and shared the pictures with her friends and family I started getting emails and phone calls from people I didnt know. They were asking if I could take pictures for them.

The next years I have recieved countless phone calls, messages, texts, and other forms of communication to take numerous types of pictures. I started this as basically a hobby and I have enjoyed it so much. I have truely been blessed through the years. I have been able to pay for our Christmas', vacations, birthdays. Everyone tells me that I have a talent. I just look through my lens and try to picture what it would look like "in a picture frame". I have met some pretty awesome people along the way. I remember each and everyone of them. Most all the people that have come into my life through photography have kept in touch. I still remain friends with 90% of them.

Now, both of my two little girls are in school full time. Rather I go to work full time or stay doing pictures as a part time job. I know I will continue to have a camera in my hand. I really love how I have grown as a photographer and I look forward to see how I will continue to find my style in photography.

Keeping marriage life alive along with being a mom.

I think that we have a tendency to forget who we were before we got married and had children. It isnt that we change, it is more like we get lost in being a mom and a wife. We are still intersted in most of the same things that we were before. We have just broaden our interested and see things in a whole different way.

My husband and I have been together for over 7 years and our relationship has gone up and down just like everyone else. I try to keep an open line of communication. Sometimes we dont want to hear what we are doing wrong to listen though. I know what alot of my faults are but that doesnt mean I want someone to point them out. I guess that is why when I told my husband the reason I wasnt happy, he didnt want to listen. I probably sat outside for awhole 2 weeks and sorted things in my head and finally figured out what I needed from my husband to make me happy. It was simple. I didnt want to be "mom" in "our" relationship. I know it sounds crazy. We stopped being romantic. Every morning I get a kiss goodbye and every evening when he gets home I get a kiss hello. That is it though, just a kiss. I want a KISS. I dont want something to is casual. I dont want the same kinda kiss you give the kids. I want to feel the love off his lips.

When we are in a romantic relationship I want to not be called "mom". That is the biggest alcholo swab on a cut. Totally doesnt feel romantic. I told my husband that I wanted it to be less of a job and more like we are enjoying each other's time again. We get so caught up in life. We get so tired of just everyday that we forget what made us love each other to begin with.

My husband and I dont argue much. I have learned that I can keep my ground with out being disrespectful. I have learned to keep my voice and my opionion. I have learned that maintaining my self as an individual has helped keep my marriage romance. It is still a work in progress. That is the deal, it is in progress and regress. I love my life as a mom and as a wife and I dont have to put myself away on a shelf and forget who I am. It is a juggling act that many of us cant keep up with. I hope that I dont drop the ball on any of them. If I do; I will just bend down, pick it up and start over again.

Fast food - fair price?

I recently went to a Popeyes resturant and I wasn't completely happy with them. It never fails, I go to a drive through because I am limited on time and I recieve either: poor customer service, poor food quality or unfair pricing. I realize that the cost of food goes up with the incline of our economic deficeit. Why should customer service decline along with the food quality?

I placed my order and recieved my food. These are the things that gets me. Only a portion of my order was correct. I paid a significant amount of money and I dont feel like I got my money's worth. The chicken was small, and the only thing I was really wanting was the red beans and rice and I didnt even get any. I have called them numerous times to tell them how they have not filled my order to my satisfaction. They are very pleasant in trying to correct it. For the most part they will go out of thier way to make you happy. My problem is, why should I have to call, return back to the resturant and have to even consider wanting to return back to the resturant just to make the order right the second time around. If I didn't like the food so much, I would never go back. It is very pricey at times. Believe me, If I could make thier red beans and rice the way they do; I dont think I would ever return to Popeyes ever again.